17

Shuttle: Sariel[X7Z-04X], Colonia Destination: Cemeiss

I made it. I made it!! I beelined it to Colonia and got here just in time to hop on a ferry. Now, I’m docked and ready. The ferrywoman says that jump times are upwards of 30 minutes, so I don’t know if we’ll get where we’re going in good time. Either way, I’m bubble bound.

I stopped by Jaques and it is, as usual, full of Belugas. Their autodock has them going in this mesmerizing halo above the lip of the station. One must’ve clogged the mailslot: when I went to leave, its skeleton was staring down at me. It’s brutal out here, man.

I didn’t scan much on my way here. Just honked and plowed through. I feel bad, leaving undiscovered systems undiscovered. Those planets may never see another CMDR again, and I just passed them over. I did find some interesting spots, most notably a high-spin neutron star within lightseconds of a scoopable star, but I had to plow through everything without too much stopping. Still, the thought nags at me: I stopped on a whim in one system and found a FD earthlike. How many more might I have missed?

-CMDR Catherine Lockwood

(A misc system on the way to Colonia, passing the galactic core.)

(Dryi Bre BF-A d150 - The perfect refueling spot: supercharge and scoop, all in one go!)

(Jaques Station)

16

August 1, 3309 Departed: DSSA Eleanor, Cho Thua NL-C b40-0

Current: Bleia Byoe AA-N a75-1

Destination: Colonia

Waypoints: I don't know anymore

I'm officially lost. I know exactly where I am and where I'm going, but my mind feels elsewhere. My map keeps failing to plot, so we're going the old fashioned way: segments at a time. I'm headed for a neutron star I hit on my way to Beagle in the hopes that I can hop on a highway in that region. Apparently I traveled a deadzone to get here. I hope I don't end up back in it again.

I want to go home. I don't know if home is the Bubble or Colonia or nowhere at all. It feels like every place that gives me joy is only a point on a greater route, a transient place between places. I feel at home in that. When it fades, I go out in the black. And after long enough, when every star system starts to look the same, and the days start repeating themselves, that liminal feeling fades, and so does that feeling of being at peace.

So far, the best part of this journey back has been jumping into a close binary — two white stars, I think they were F class — and skimming the “””secondary””” star so closely that my fuel scoop activated and deactivated instantaneously as I exited hyperspace. (See attached photo.) I’d thought I ran through it, but no. However, it was far too close for comfort, and that’s what I liked about it. Something to break this monotony and silence. Anything.

I haven't found lasting peace since them. Am I even capable of rest? And if so, do I deserve to rest at all?

-CMDR Lockwood

Almost death:

15

The last day of July. I think. July's just a month on Earth; it means nothing out here.

I am now drifting at the edge of the universe. Behind me, the sky is starless. Before me, the entire milky way takes up a mere sliver of sky, so distant that it’s easy to lose when navigating. Any nearby stars between my system and the galaxy are visible and pronounced, an infrequent spattering of bright dots. I’m beyond the binary star of Isham’s, beyond every last planet — I crossed that line, stared into the endless expanse, then dropped out of supercruise once it was all behind me. Even the system that I’m in has faded into mere specks of light, barely off of the plane of the Milky Way, and I find myself breathless, entranced, and directionless.

I got here by beelining it to the DSSA Eleanor. Spooled down the ship, recalibrated my equipment, and my nav system worked like a charm. So, I hit Beagle Point. And I kept going.

Isham’s. I tried several angles before using a route created by an anonymous fellow explorer, designed for a DBX with a 35ish LY jump range. Mine’s 50 after shedding my shields and SRV bay at the DSSA Eleanor, so I found corners I could cut, shortcuts I could take — everything is a fuel star out here, a welcome surprise.

If I had a good enough telescope, I could see humanity as they were 63,000 years ago. The entirety of our history, encapsulated in such a small space in the sky. Humanity exists. I am not alone. But knowing that I couldn’t even see modern humans on Earth from where I am… potent isolation. It’s beautiful and terrifying.

I made it here, and now, I don’t know if I have the strength to turn back.

-CMDR Catherine Lockwood

(Isham's Reach)

14

July 30? 3309

Departed: DSSA Limpet's Call

Current: I don't know

Destination: DSSA Eleanor

Waypoints:

• Gates of Tartarus
• Purple system
• Fill in the rest when I'm not dead tired

The neutron stars got more intense for awhile. So intense that they'd trap me in them. Had to wrestle out. I found one even worse than SAM. I'll gather a list of them someday, but I have bigger issuess right now.

Either my jump range isn't large enough to reach Beagle Point, or my nav system's broken. I'm betting on the first, both because my troubleshooting showed the system working perfectly and because if it's the nav system at fault, I'm as good as dead.

I'm starting to mix up my bookmarks. Everything's blurring together. I thought that Gates of Tartarus was actually my DSSA Limpet's Call bookmark, and after I finally got there and moved on, thought that the purple system was my next DSSA carrier. Turns out I didn't mark one at all. But now one called the DSSA Eleanor's marked, and I'm on course, and it's all okay. It's going to be okay.

No sleep, or very little. The clock's no longer a ruler for when I sleep or wake up. These logs feel foreign when I look back on them; I forget everything until I check them. They're serving as a reminder as to why I'm out here. So far, I'm keeping level and staying in touch with my squadron. I don't think they've noticed anything off about me yet. Which is good. Better they not worry when I'm way out here.

I thought I heard someone breathing over my shoulder. It was just nylon rubbing against nylon. A jacket had fallen on the floor.

Need to mine for materials with my SRV so I can get enough FSD injections to make this trip possible. DSSA Eleanor's within reach. After that, I'm at the mercy of luck. I hope I can come back.

• CMDR Catherine Lockwood

13

July 28, 3309

Departed: DSSA Buurian Anchorage, Dryau Ausms KG-Y e3390

Current: DSSA Limpet's Call, Phroi Bluae QI-T e3-3454

Destination: Beagle Point

Waypoints:

• Hypio Blou SA-M d8-4743, "SAM"

• Phleedgae YI-B d1400

When I last was out this far, I reached SAM and stopped. SAM's a high spin neutron star - so fast that it spasms. It's so vicious that when I dipped in to supercharge today, it trapped me inside of the beam in the turbulence. It's a sight to behold: I haven't found any high spins faster than this one so far. But while it's a stellar landmark in its own right, it's also personally significant. When I was last out here, this system was where I turned back.

But I went beyond this time. Now, I'm further than I've ever been. I even discovered a pair of A-class blue-white stars that are barely a radius away from each other. Since I have first discovery and free will, I've decided to fittingly name them the "Blue Balls" - which is scientifically accurate, since they are blue and, geometrically, balls. I need parental supervision...

As I write, I'm landed on a rocky moon in Phroi Bluae QI-T e3-3454, just behind the DSSA Limpet's Call. I'm on a wire's edge right now, so much time spent out here: their tariffs were just enough to me off, so after I got my repairs, I decided to camp here for the "night" out of sheer spite. In hindsight, they're only trying to keep themselves afloat, but it's too late to go back. The ground's over 600K. There's no atmosphere, so jumping drops it to 400K. But the views are stellar. But I can't stay. I need to keep going. Keep going, keep going. More stars. More data. More space, space between me and them, me and it, me and the pressure that's pushing me ever onwards, ever ever ever on.

I don't care about the money. I don't need my name on more data, though it's a nice thought. I need to breathe. I still feel like I'm suffocating, and the feeling is only getting worse.

SAM didn't speak to me. Maybe I was right to turn back when I did the first time, but it's too late for me now. I hope that when I reach Beagle, I have the strength to turn around.

-CMDR Catherine Lockwood

(Hypio Blou SA-M d8-4743)

(Phleedgae YI-B d1400)

(Phroi Bluae QI-T e3-3454, near the DSSA Limpet's Call)

12

July 26, 3309

Departed: DSSA Buurian Anchorage, Dryau Ausms KG-Y e3390

Current: Braireau FH-Q c7-3052

Destination: Beagle Point

Waypoints:

• Sag A*

• Eok Gree MY-G d11-7250

I reached Sag A* and I just couldn’t stay. I’m continuing on to Beagle Point. I miss my squadron. I don’t know how I’ll get back, but I must press on. I must.

On my last attempt towards Beagle, I found a high spin Neutron Star that I named SAM. I'm planning on paying SAM a visit; after that, I’ll be close to where I last left off. But on my way, I found another high spin that had a close binary (an L-class star and a K-class star) in a death spiral. Second waypoint listed.

I forgot how much neutron stars whispered. I forgot how dark the spaces between the stars can get. I forgot how the ship starts creaking after a few supercharges. I forgot all of it, just like how I forgot the sound of your voice.

-CMDR Catherine Lockwood

(Eok Gree MY-G d11-7250)

11

July 25, 3309

Departed: DSSA Sesame, Floarps PI-B e2

Current: DSSA Buurian Anchorage, Dryau Ausms KG-Y e3390

Destination: Sag A *

Waypoints of note:

• GRS 1758-258

GRS wasn't too memorable, but I didn't mind. Several water world discoveries, one of which was terraformable; other terraformables along the way; honk-scoop-jump; all of that and finally, I've come to a short rest at the DSSA Buurian Anchorage. It's wedged between a gas giant, a tiny moon, and a huge water world, but strangest of all is the center of the system, where a white dwarf and a black hole are orbiting each other. It's hard to see from here and even harder to catch pictures of.

When I turned in my data, I did it. I reached Elite. For the hell of it, I dropped at the edge of the black hole and wrecked a few modules in the drop. The exclusion zone of the white dwarf almost touches the black hole, and the heat wasn't kind to my ship, but something's come over me. I feel free. Light. I weaved out of that mess with a sense of freedom I haven't felt in years.

Still, I miss my squadron already. CMDR Nican, our main bounty hunter, is begging me to come back. Wants to pop some wanteds with me. CMDR Markov, too. I telepresenced in on some of their fighting today, and I'm starting to miss my Scav Crab. Having Elite completed is giving me doubts. Do I continue to Sag A* ? What about Beagle Point? Or am I making a mistake? Should I turn around and go home while I still can, now that I've hit Elite?

Did I want Elite, or did I want to escape? And if I want to escape, what am I running from?

-CMDR Catherine Lockwood

10

July 25, 3309

Departed: Pyraemoe CO-U b21-0

Current: DSSA Sesame, Floarps PI-B e2

Destination: Sag A *

Waypoints of note:

• XTE J1817-330

XTE was both underwhelming and terrifying. I can handle large black holes. Small black holes, however… even at 30 km/s, it’s easy to pass one by — or, if you’re not careful, to fly right into it. Keeping track of them’s nearly impossible, too. I almost flew into it on my way out of the system. Gunned it to prep for a jump and it zipped right past me. Didn’t even know it was there. The POI page said there were good views on a planet elsewhere in the system, but I was too busy sweating tears of fear. I had way too much good data to lose.

It got interesting around that part of the milky way, though. I was so far up that there were sometimes only 4 star systems available to jump to. The sky was half pitch black and starless, and on the other, I could see the milky way from above, gas clouds and all.

I finally landed last night at the DSSA Sesame. Whoever decided to station this thing 0.15 LS away from the core of a neutron star needs to answer for their sins. I had first discovery and surface scan on several water worlds — which is good, but I also had one first discovery and scan of an earthlike, so it’s a relief I didn’t crash.

It’s hard to sleep with the wrath of the universe beaming through the windows, but somehow, everyone’s going about their day as normal. The coffee here tastes off. I think it’s the neutron star’s hypercharged particles. I wonder if it’ll supercharge me. I hope it does.

-CMDR Catherine Lockwood

(The DSSA Sesame's deranged docking place:)

9

July 23, 3309

Departed: Attenborough's Watch, Lagoon Sector FW-W d1-122

Current: Pyramoe CO-U b21-0

Destination: Sag A*

Waypoints of note:

• Traikoa FL-P e5-4 (known as Black Treasure)

Attenborough's Watch looks like a baked potato, and as interesting as it was, I'm elated to leave. I went off course to see Black Treasure, a POI I yanked from an explorer database. I regret nothing. Yes, I was the only ASP at a tourist buoy coated in Belugas. Sure, several people scanned my cargo bay looking for something to steal and were met with disappointment. None of it mattered. The sky there is pink and purple, and a star cluster behind the black hole warps under its gravitational lensing if you drop at the tourist buoy. I flew back and forth along the line of those stars and they danced, circling the ergosphere.

This is what I missed before. Maybe I was too hellbent on my destinations and forgot the journey in the process. Either way, I almost fried on the jump out, and I'd fry again if that's what it took.

Next up is another POI. I have too many on this route to list, so I will update as I go. Wish me luck.

-CMDR Catherine Lockwood

(Traikoa FL-P e5-4, "Black Treasure")

8

July 22, 3309

Departed: Heck Reserve, Skardee

Current: Attenborough's Watch, Lagoon Sector FW-W d1-122

Destination: Sag A*

Waypoints of note:

• DROJU NS-I b43-2: Strange, metallic shards that seem alive. 2 species/colors: red and purple.
• Thor's Eye: O-Type star co-orbiting with a black hole.
• HD 315025: B-star binary at center, orbited by many T-Tauri stars, some ringed.

It's been a long day. 1,000... no, more like... I'm many, many lightyears away, and it's all rushed back to me. I remember why I left in the first place. Everything's a mystery: I've set waypoints based on POIs shared by others, but I'm still met with surprises at each jump. I've been the first to scan a system's worth of planets already, but even systems with fully scanned and mappied bodies have changed me on an intangible level. I was wrong about a lot of things: this world is too beautiful to regret.

It seems great minds do think alike. I thought Harkness was veering further towards Colonia, but when I checked in with her (and by 'checking in,' I mean yelling about the metal spikes), we were in the same area of sky. We'd even planned to stop by the same nebula. Time might keep us apart - things keep moving in this industry, after all - but it was good crossing paths and hearing about her discoveries. We reminisced on old times. She sounds better out here, but that doesn't make me feel more at ease. Sometimes, you get better before you get worse. I should check in on her occasionally while she's out here. Make sure she isn't making the mistakes that I made. She knows what she's doing, but...

That field of spikes sounded like it was breathing while I was getting scans. I'm not used to being out of supercruise, so I second guessed it for a few minutes, but when the ship settled, I could hear it: something between spilling rocks and a gurgle.

-CMDR Catherine Lockwood

(DROJU NS-I b43-2 - Stellar Phenomenon)

(Thor's Eye A)

(HD 315025 AB 8 a)